How slow of a news day was it for the National Football League? Let’s put it this way, with the current NFL lockout and labor dispute, NFL.com had a lead story on its website today about the new edition of EA Sports “Madden” video game adding a “concussion mode” for players. The new feature would randomly eliminate players and make them sit out after suffering head injuries.
Archive for March, 2011
One of the best things about Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen is that he says aloud what people are often just thinking. For instance, the White Sox spent Opening Day of the 2011 baseball season going through a workout in snowy Cleveland where the city just received several inches of snow. Ever wonder just why the hell MLB opens early season games in cold-weather, snowy hellholes like Cleveland? So’s Ozzie:
LET’S PLAY ZERO! WHITE SOX INFIELDER OMAR VIZQUEL WORKS OUT IN THE SNOW THURSDAY
KATIE HOLMES AND SURI CRUISE ENJOY A PACK OF “PENIS GUMMIES”
via Daily Mail
2. New York Yankees *Wild Card
3. Tampa Bay
1. Chicago White Sox
4. Kansas City
3. Los Angeles Angels
5. New York Mets
2. St. Louis
4. Chicago Cubs
1. San Francisco
2. Colorado * Wild Card
3. Los Angeles Dodgers
4. San Diego
Unfortunately for former Major League Baseball slugger Jose Canseco, his life continues to be a failed sitcom or reality tv show. This weekend, Canseco made news when he attempted to send his twin brother to fight in his place at a celebrity boxing match in Florida. The plot was discovered at the weigh-in when the promoter of the event noticed Ozzie Canseco wasn’t sporting the arm tattoo present on his twin brother, Jose. Busted!
The only thing more ridiculous than Jose Canseco’s life is Taiwanese animators attempt to recreate it:
The failed switheroo has once again made Canseco a national punchline. You know you’re a scumbag when boxing promoters question your integrity. The Miami Herald now has photos of a tattooless Ozzie Canseco at the boxing event over the weekend. Plus, here’s Jose Canseco’s very latest hilarious Twitter entry posted less than an hour ago:
CANSECO BROTHERS IN THEIR NATURAL ENVIRONMENT
IDIOT BROTHER # 1: JOSE-WITH ARM TAT
IDIOT BROTHER #2: OZZIE POSES WITH CELEBRITY CORNERMAN AND FELLOW SCUMBAG MICHAEL LOHAN. NOTICE NO ARM TAT,
Apparently, hell hath no fury like a mistress scorned. The Barry Bonds trial continued Tuesday with what has been described as its “Ew phase.”Scuzzy personal detail after detail was unveiled by the baseball slugger’s longtime mistress, Kimberly Bell. Bonds testicles shrank. He was bad in bed. He had sexual dysfunction. Bonds once threatened to cut Bell’s head off. And her breasts.
Don’t think it was just tabloids and snarky blogs covering this nonsense. Even highbrow media organizations like the Wall Street Journal and The Atlantic are covering the Bonds steroids/perjury trial. Granted, they’re calling it “Godforsaken.”
The battle of Bell vs Bonds’ lawyers in court has already been described as a “cringefest.” Bell has already described Barry’s shrinking testicles and how the baseball Home Run King threatened to cut her head off and “cut out my breast implants because he paid for them.”
Bell has already given interviews where she described Bonds as a “selfish” lover. She told Playboy magazine in 2007, “I always figured he had PMS, like a woman.”
HERE’S SOMETHING YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE: A COURTROOM SKETCH OF YOUR FORMER MISTRESS TESTIFYING AGAINST YOU
SOON-TO-BE PRISON SEX SLAVE, JOHN JUNKER
Just as we predicted!
Following numerous criminal acts, the Fiesta Bowl may be defunct. The BCS has announced they are going to make the Fiesta Bowl petition to get back into the Bowl Championship Series. Ouch! This follows an investigation which revealed former Fiesta Bowl CEO John Junker bribed politicians and used tax exempt money to go to strip clubs. Junker also threw himself a $30,000 birthday party with 501(3)(C) non-profit money. He was fired today by the Fiesta Bowl.
The Fiesta Bowl was destroyed thanks to the heroic efforts of Playoff PAC. The organization obtained the Fiesta Bowl’s tax records under the Freedom of Information Act. They determined that the Fiesta Bowl and Junker broke numerous tax and federal election laws. Playoff PAC did their own investigation following a 2009 expose by an Arizona newspaper.
Should the Fiesta Bowl go away as an official BCS game, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is already waiting in the wings to introduce a revised Cotton Bowl held at Cowboys Stadium as a Bowl Championship Series substitute.
New York Jets quarterback Erik Ainge hasn’t played a game in his NFL career. He has, however, shot heroin.
In an interview with ESPN New York, the former Tennessee qb admitted he’s a drug addict. Ainge revealed he has overdosed on hard drugs in the past and went on a drinking binge before reporting to training camp last year that landed him in rehab for the umpteenth time. Ainge also admitted that his use of heroin, cocaine and alcohol was so out of control that he made “Charlie Sheen look like Miss Daisy.”