What a terrible offseason for National League MVP Ryan Braun. First news came out that the Milwaukee Brewers outfielder tested positive for steroids and faces a possible 50 game suspension. Like all juicing athletes, Braun is proclaiming his innocence. However, in his case, if Braun’s defense is accurate it might worsen his image.

Yes, Ryan Braun is apparently going to play the herpes card in an attempt to get out of his PED suspension. Multiple baseball and gossip websites are reporting that Braun’s astronomically high steroids level are a result of his genital herpes medication. The mainstream media has not picked up on the rumors based on the scummy and absolutely charming sources reporting the story. 

So far even Wikipedia and scandal sites like Deadspin.com aren’t even touching the Ryan-Braun-has-the-herp story. Although Braun’s camp did issue a statement about a “private medical issue” and “unusual circumstances.”

Disc jockey-turned MM fighter Houston Alexander has been arrested in his Omaha  home after allegedly forcing his 16-year-old son to participate in a boxing match with him. Alexander, the only UFC fighter in history to lose to KO specialist/novelty act Kimbo Slice, was charged with misdemeanor child abuse.

Alexander told police he caught his son participating in online sex and having”explicit sexual contact on Facebook.” Alexander then accused his son of lying about the incident whereupon he broke out the boxing gloves to teach his son a lesson.

At least Cleveland Browns running back Peyton Hillis knows who to blame for his terrible 2011 NFL season. It’s John Madden’s fault. Before this week’s loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers dropped the Browns to a season-ending 4-12, Hillis freely admitted he was now a firm believer in the “Madden Curse.”  In fact, he proclaimed himself the latest victim. So, if it wasn’t Madden’s fault, it was YOUR fault if you were one of the fans who voted Hillis onto the cover of Madden 12.

As one Yahoo! Sports columnist pointed out, Hillis should probably be blaming himself. After constant contract squabbling with the Browns following the lockout, Hillis spent most of his season being injured, pouting about his contract and generally being an asshole. Hillis’ had such a lousy attitude this season that his teammates actually staged a DICK intervention at one point.

It’s a miracle.

Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow is now officially a superhero. Tebow just signed a deal with Marvel Comics to be featured in his own comic book. No, it’s not called  ”Super Christian.”

BILL CONLIN

Longtime Philadelphia Daily News baseball columnist Bill Conlin immediately retired from the newspaper yesterday after being accused by four people of molesting them while they were children in the ’70s. One of the accusers is Conlin’s own niece.

Pennsylvania prosecutors say even though Conlin allegedly abused “so many people” through the years they were unable to bring a case because of the statute of limitations.

In addition to his newspaper column, Conlin worked for years at The Sporting News and ESPN.

Legendary New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter is back on the free agent market. At least when it comes to chicks. After recently dumping hottie actress Minka Kelly, today’s New York Post claims Jeter has recently dated a “bevy” of beauties whom he beds at his Trump Tower apartment.

According to the Post, Jeter is quite the gentleman. In the morning Jeter provides his girls with free car service. Best of all, those lucky ladies get a “gift basket” complete with signed Jeter memorabilia (including an autographed baseball!)

DEREK JETER BACHELOR PAD: GIRLS, COME FOR THE SEX. STAY FOR THE AUTOGRAPHED BASEBALL