Archive for July, 2010

NATE NEWTON LOSES 133 POUNDS

July 31, 2010

NEW, SLIMMER VERSION OF NATE NEWTON

Former Dallas Cowboys Pro Bowl offensive lineman Nate Newton is known for a couple of BIG numbers. One is his previous weight. Newton used to weigh as much as 411 pounds when he played with the Cowboys. The other is the hundreds of pounds of weed he was once caught with.

Now Newton is known for a different number-the 133 pounds he recently lost.

FORMER NFL PLAYER DROPS OUT OF COLLEGE TO DATE JESSICA SIMPSON

July 31, 2010

JESSICA SIMPSON WITH NEW MAN

Former NFL tight end Eric Johnson has reportedly dropped out of the prestigious Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania in order to continue dating singer/actress Jessica Simpson. Simpson previously dated Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo.

REALITY TV STAR ARRESTED

July 30, 2010

Snooki from the television show “Jersey Shore” has been arrested for disorderly conduct.

GOVERNMENT HIRES MATLOCK TO EXPLAIN OBAMACARE TO OLD PEOPLE

July 30, 2010

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CONGRESS MAY RE-LEGALIZE ONLINE POKER

July 30, 2010

 

Congress moved closer Wednesday to legalizing online poker. The New York Times has the story about the House Financial Services Committee approving a bill that would legalize and tax online poker and other “nonsports” betting. Congress passed an Internet ban on gambling just four years ago.

The Times article points out that taxing Internet gambling could provide the government with a huge source of revenue.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY ASKS RICK PITINO IF HE’S A RAPIST

July 29, 2010

RICK PITINO

Defense attorneys questioned Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino about allegations that he “raped” Karen Sypher. Sypher is being charged with extortion after allegedly trying to blackmail Pitino following their 2003 sexual encounter.

Pitino faced a brutal four hours of questioning by Sypher’s lawyers on Thursday. Highlight: Pitino talks about “pulling out” and finishing “down my leg.”

ALLIGATOR FEEDING FRENZY CAUGHT ON TAPE IN GEORGIA

July 29, 2010

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$100 MILLION FATASS KICKED OUT OF REDSKINS PRACTICE

July 29, 2010

ALBERT HAYNESWORTH

Previously, Albert Haynesworth was simply known as a dirty player and a waste of Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder’s $100 million.

Thursday, Redskins coach Mike Shanahan booted Haynesworth off the practice field after he failed to run a third 300-yard conditioning drill. Shanahan declared that Haynesorth had “failed” his conditioning drill. Haynesworth claimed the test was unfair and he NEVER could run three 300-yard drills at any time of his career.

AHMADINEJAD VERSUS PAUL THE OCTOPUS

July 28, 2010

IRANIAN PRESIDENT MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD: SHOWN HERE WITH THE LOVELY MRS. AHMADINEJAD IN THE OFFICIAL STATE PHOTO. OBVIOUSLY, AGAINST “PROPAGANDA AND SUPERSTITION”

Who wins in a battle of wits between Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the now-famous World Cup predicting Paul The Octopus. Let’s put it this way, Paul The Octopus appears to remain undefeated.

Ahmadinejad decried Paul (who resides at a zoo in Germany) for representing everything that’s wrong with western society and spreading “propaganda and superstition.” Ahmadinejad also claimed the octopus is a sign of decadence and decay among Iran’s “enemies.”

Paul went 8/8 in World Cup soccer predictions this year, thus leading to claims of his being a “psychic octopus.” The odds of picking 8 straight winners is roughly 256/1.

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PAUL THE OCTOPUS: PRESCIENT PICKING CEPHALOPOD

WELCOME TO DETROIT POLITICS: “ABOUT THAT PARTY WITH THE DEAD STRIPPER…”

July 28, 2010

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STRIPPERGATE VIDEO FROM THE APPROPRIATELY NAMED “WOOD TV”

It’s not like the city of Detroit isn’t used to political scandals. After all, former mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is currently in jail. However, the latest developing Detroit scandal involves a party attended by a veritable who’s who of Michigan politicians.

Apparently, there was some type of party held that involved strippers, lap dances, and motor cycle gangs acting as “security.” Best of all, there are stories that Kilpatrick’s wife walked in on His Honor getting a lap dance, broke the leg off a coffee table and proceeded to whoop ass on the stripper. Mrs. Kilpatrick allegedly hit the stripper with the coffee table leg. The dancer reportedly crashed through a glass table, unconscious. The same stripper later turned up DEAD.

STRAWBERRY THE DEAD STRIPPER

All of this would be past tense except for one thing. There are now witnesses coming forward to testify about the infamous party which (tada!) was attended by the then Michigan attorney general Mike Cox. That would be the same Mike Cox who is now running for governor of Michigan. One of the witnesses even testified in a court affidavit. Cox calls stories of the party an “urban legend.”

Bonus: The dead stripper was named “Strawberry” and the call letters for the station doing the expose on Cox are WOOD.