OLD LADY ACQUITTED AFTER BEATING PEACOCK TO DEATH WITH A WIFFLE BAT

A 70-year-old woman has been found not guilty of animal cruelty charges in Hawaii after beating one of her condo’s peacocks to death with a baseball bat. After killing the bird, Sandra Maloney was caught hauling the dead peacock off in a bag, claiming she intended to eat it.

Maloney testified in court last week that she was driven to near madness by the peacocks on her property’s constant squawking and pooping. Maloney said she “just lost it” after one bird “took a dump” on her barbeque. Maloney also says she intended to put the bird in a bag and bake it after hearing local Hawaiians say peacock meat was “quite delicious.”

Under oath, Maloney says she grew up eating wild game and when she “looked it up” peacocks are categorized as a pheasant. After beating the bird to death, Maloney says she remembers thinking, “Wow! A pheasant the size of a turkey.” Mmmmm.

Maloney wasn’t exactly repentant after the jury’s not guilty verdict. Her reaction? Maloney stated, “I’m going to Disney World. We’re going to have peacock souffle.” Maloney added it’s “open season” on peacocks and it’s “probably past time.”

GOOD EATS! 

Hilarious video of Maloney’s court testimony below:

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