Archive for January, 2011

THE DEVIL MADE HIM DO IT

January 27, 2011

ZAK FOLLETT

Detroit Lions linebacker Zak Follett made a comment last week referring to his team’s quarterback, Matt Stafford, as a “china doll.” Follett said he never meant it as an insult to the oft-injured qb. He adds that the ensuing controversy is a plot. By Satan.

Follett feels that he has been targeted by the devil because he “constantly” praises Jesus. Follett then describes nasty Twitter feeds he has received as “flaming arrows” from Satan. He adds that Satan came up with this plot only after the many women he sent Follett’s way failed to tempt him.

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MEXICAN DRUG CATAPULT

January 27, 2011

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IS HOCKEY ANTI-SEMITIC?

January 26, 2011

JASON BAILEY

Jason Bailey was a 2005 draft pick by the Anaheim Ducks. He has yet to make it to the NHL. Maybe it’s because he’s Jewish. At least that’s what Bailey is claiming.

Bailey, who has since been traded to the Ottawa Senators organization, has filed a religious discrimination lawsuit against the Anaheim franchise claiming he was “verbally abused because of his Jewish heritage.” Bailey says that when he played for the team’s Bakersfield minor league affiliate the coach there told him, “Jews only care about money and who’s who,” and he “never wanted his son to be raised Jewish and wear a yarmulke.”

RAIDERS CHASING NAKED DRIVE-THROUGH GUY

January 26, 2011

FORMER DETROIT QB JON KITNA ONCE DRESSED UP AS JOE CULLEN AT A LIONS HALLOWEEN PARTY

Last night, on his Profootball Talk website, Mike Florio broke the news that Joe Cullen is one of two finalists up for the job as Oakland Raiders defensive coordinator.

Hmmm…Joe Cullen. Joe Cullen, where have I heard that name before?

THAT’S RIGHT! The Naked Drivethrough Guy!

Not only was Cullen a member of the famously inept Detroit Lions 0-16 coaching staff, he’s also the guy who was caught driving drunk and NAKED at a Wendy’s drivethrough in 2006.

Cullen was such a laughingstock in Detroit that his own quarterback, Jon Kitna, dressed up as the drunken positions coach at a Lions Halloween party. It was perhaps the most famous moment of Kitna’s mediocre career.

WALKING DEAD RAIDERS OWNER AL DAVIS

REMEMBER THE CHICAGO CAR SALESMAN WHO WAS FIRED FOR WEARING A GREEN BAY PACKERS TIE TO WORK? HERE’S HIS PICTURE

January 25, 2011

JOHN STONE

Google lists 573 stories on this guy today.

CAROLINE DOTY OF THE U-CONN WOMENS BASKETBALL TEAM IS A TRICK-SHOOTING FOOL

January 25, 2011

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RIP JACK LALANNE

January 24, 2011

JACK LALANNE

Fitness guru Jack LaLanne died over the weekend. He was 96. LaLanne’s New York Times obituary referred to him as the “founder of the modern fitness movement.”

LaLanne was half a century ahead of his time when he opened a weight-lifting gym, juice bar and health food store in California in 1936. Three decades before Oprah, Jack LaLanne hosted an afternoon talk show that every kid growing up in California in the ’60s and ’70s probably remembers. The show centered around health, nutrition and exercise.

LaLanne was probably the first public figure to come out against cigarettes in the 1950’s. He said on television that cigarettes would “kill you” at a time when they heavily advertised on tv.

The former bodybuilder was also famous for his legendary feats of strength at an advanced age. At the age of 70, LaLanne swam a mile towing 70 rowboats with his teeth while handcuffed and shackled. LaLanne always said that he couldn’t die because it would be “bad for my reputation.”

And don’t forget the Jack LaLanne Juicer.

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KENTUCKY TV STATION TYPO OF THE DAY

January 24, 2011

Darren Rovell of CNBC captured this screengrab from WLKY TV in Kentucky featuring the phrase “Jew York Jets.”

YOU KNOW YOU SUCK WHEN…

January 24, 2011

Congratulations to Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler for winning a title. Unfortunately for Bears fans, it wasn’t a Super Bowl title. No, Cutler’s well-earned title is “The Most Hated Man in Chicago.”

You know you’ve had a bad day when your own hometown fans are burning your jersey in effigy in the parking lot. That’s exactly what happened to Cutler last night following Chicago’s 21-14 loss to the Green Bay Packers in the N.F.C. Championship. Cutler left the game in the third quarter. He pulled himself out with a knee injury. Cutler stood (not sat) on the sidelines for the entire second half. He didn’t require any crutches or a wrap. Many are questioning whether Cutler was hurt badly enough to miss the rest of the game. Those questioning Cutler’s toughness on Twitter include Jacksonville Jaguars running back Maurice Jones-Drew who Tweeted:

“When the going gets tough…QUIT”

Jones also blasted Cutler by saying he had played an entire year with a bad knee while the pampered Bears quarterback couldn’t finish a single game.

Meanwhile, the usually UNinsightful Rick Reilly hit the nail right on the before the game with an article pointing out what a jerk Cutler is. The article by the former Sports Illustrated writer now at ESPN also details Cutler’s desdain for and lack of commitment to his craft of quarterbacking. Reilly notes that the city of Chicago WANTS to love Cutler. Since the invention of the Pro Bowl, the Bears have placed exactly ONE quarterback for one year into that game (Jim McMahon).

Now, despite throwing for over 3,2oo yards, winning a division title, and leading the Bears to the conference championship, Cutler is possibly the most hated Chicago athlete ever.

OLD LADY ACQUITTED AFTER BEATING PEACOCK TO DEATH WITH A WIFFLE BAT

January 23, 2011

A 70-year-old woman has been found not guilty of animal cruelty charges in Hawaii after beating one of her condo’s peacocks to death with a baseball bat. After killing the bird, Sandra Maloney was caught hauling the dead peacock off in a bag, claiming she intended to eat it.

Maloney testified in court last week that she was driven to near madness by the peacocks on her property’s constant squawking and pooping. Maloney said she “just lost it” after one bird “took a dump” on her barbeque. Maloney also says she intended to put the bird in a bag and bake it after hearing local Hawaiians say peacock meat was “quite delicious.”

Under oath, Maloney says she grew up eating wild game and when she “looked it up” peacocks are categorized as a pheasant. After beating the bird to death, Maloney says she remembers thinking, “Wow! A pheasant the size of a turkey.” Mmmmm.

Maloney wasn’t exactly repentant after the jury’s not guilty verdict. Her reaction? Maloney stated, “I’m going to Disney World. We’re going to have peacock souffle.” Maloney added it’s “open season” on peacocks and it’s “probably past time.”

GOOD EATS! 

Hilarious video of Maloney’s court testimony below:

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