ELIJAH DUKES IS A STRANGE, STRANGE MAN

ELIJAH DUKES: NOW TALKING ABOUT SMOKING WEED BEFORE NATIONALS GAMES AND MANPURSES

The hell with it. Elijah Dukes has retired as a baseball player. In a recent interview, Dukes (now renamed Fly Eli) announced he is embarking on a new career as a Rap musician. He is apparently through with sports at the age of 26 (witness the man boobs.) Dukes was a famous wifebeating, drug user whom the Washington Nationals gave up on after former GM Jim Bowden was bounced by the club.

One year ago Dukes entered Spring Training as the Nationals starting right fielder. After he was cut, nobody picked Dukes up. Dukes’ history of violent and drug-addled behavior was enough to scare away other Major League teams. In one famous incident, while he was playing for Tampa Bay, Dukes left a threatening voice mail to his estranged wife threatening to kill her. Mrs. Dukes, a school teacher, then went to the St. Petersburg Times and played the message back. It said,

“You dead, Dawg. I ain’t even bullshitting. Your kids too.”

Those kids Duke threatened included his own children. In addition to threatening her, Dukes also texted his wife a picture of a gun. Here’s the actual photo he sent her:

Dukes and his wife had the police called to their house at least four times on domestic violence charges. That includes the time he hit her in the face with a pop can. Dukes’ checkered personal life hindered his baseball career. His father was a convicted murderer. Dukes was arrested multiple times before being drafted by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. He fathered at least five children with four different women. That includes the time he got his mother’s teenaged foster child pregnant.

However, Dukes has a revisionist history take on his failed baseball career. According to Dukes, he has been blackballed by MLB because he told his league-ordered drug counselor about all of his teammates that smoked marijuana. Duke claims that he and other members of the Nationals would smoke weed before games and that they carried the marijuana around in their Gucci “manpurses.”

Dukes has posted a rambling Fly Eli mission statement on YouTube. He talks about having “a good-ass time.” He also talks about “discipline” and how that means going to the bathroom whenever you need to:

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Dukes also posted a ridiculously horrible music video on YouTube entitled “Lust.”

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One Response to “ELIJAH DUKES IS A STRANGE, STRANGE MAN”

  1. The Cryptojournalist Says:

    This story just made my week. Looks like my Washington Nats Dukes jersey JUST got cool!

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