Debt crisis looms: Whose fault is it, Amy Winehouse or manatees?

TEA PARTIERS HAVE A SEA COW

Congress cannot get its act together. As America’s debt limit crisis looms and the country careens towards default, politicians and talk show hosts are busy assigning blame as to whose fault this is. You could blame President Barack Obama. You can blame Democrats, Republicans, Congress or the Tea Party. All are the legitimate subject of voters ire.

However, politicians and pundits are already scrambling to deflect blame and some of the excuses they’ve come up are simply astounding. Former politician and cabinet member turned talk show host Bill Bennett penned a column for CNN. He blamed the nation’s problems on recently-dead singer Amy Winehouse. Seriously. Bennett says our nation’s problems can be traced back to an exact moment-2008 when Amy Winehouse was given a Grammy for Record of the Year. Right, this nation is going to hell and it’s Amy Winehouse’s fault.

Meanwhile, Tea Party members in Florida don’t blame Amy Winehouse for our nation’s ills at all. According to them it’s the fault of manatees. A spokeswoman for Citrus County Tea Party Patriots has declared laws protecting the endangered fat sea mammals to be “against the Bible and the Bill of Rights.”

 

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Dog bites shark

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Actual headline: “Horse Herpes Outbreak Forces Rodeo Queens to Ride Stick Ponies”

Story

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Alpaca sex news blooper of the day

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Worst. Typo. Ever!

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OLD LADY ACQUITTED AFTER BEATING PEACOCK TO DEATH WITH A WIFFLE BAT

A 70-year-old woman has been found not guilty of animal cruelty charges in Hawaii after beating one of her condo’s peacocks to death with a baseball bat. After killing the bird, Sandra Maloney was caught hauling the dead peacock off in a bag, claiming she intended to eat it.

Maloney testified in court last week that she was driven to near madness by the peacocks on her property’s constant squawking and pooping. Maloney said she “just lost it” after one bird “took a dump” on her barbeque. Maloney also says she intended to put the bird in a bag and bake it after hearing local Hawaiians say peacock meat was “quite delicious.”

Under oath, Maloney says she grew up eating wild game and when she “looked it up” peacocks are categorized as a pheasant. After beating the bird to death, Maloney says she remembers thinking, “Wow! A pheasant the size of a turkey.” Mmmmm.

Maloney wasn’t exactly repentant after the jury’s not guilty verdict. Her reaction? Maloney stated, “I’m going to Disney World. We’re going to have peacock souffle.” Maloney added it’s “open season” on peacocks and it’s “probably past time.”

GOOD EATS! 

Hilarious video of Maloney’s court testimony below:

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